Today marks for me: 5 years of victory through Christ over addiction.
That’s so risky to say out loud believe it or not. One, it makes me vulnerable on a level that I’m comfortable with but you may not be. You may feel like others have, that sharing this is too intimate and doesn’t belong on social media. I personally think that this is the PERFECT place for vulnerability when the outcome can be to show that we overcome by Gods mercy and grace. We may appear to have perfect families or tidy lives but behind the scenes it can be so messy. All the holes where living and love and security leak out can be temporarily plugged with alcohol or drugs or sex or food or work or shopping or lying or smoking or busy or _______. It’s easy to deny their seriousness and the grip they have. Certainly much easier than laying them down and the work it takes to deny yourself and commit to surrender.
While I was still wrapped up in addiction, I served God. I loved my kids. I provided. I had hope. I encouraged others. I was a high functioning type of Proverbs 31 woman, with a twist. It’s so easy to miss the mark that way. But God would not have it and like in Psalm 81 He “turned me over” to my stubborn heart and own devices. There is no place lower than where I went.
“But my people would not listen to me; Israel would not submit to me. So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices.” Psalm 81:11-12
I didn’t go to rehab. Like most people, I fought it on my own for years. It’s intensely personal and most who were close to me didn’t even recognize the signs. No one except God confronted me. I began in the 6th grade and it continued until Feb 7, 2010. I had done well for a number of years, a little self control came with maturity and responsibility. But there was always that “want to” – I could never get rid of that. I made a mistake 5 years ago and I knew it was either going to be the end of me or I needed God to have all of me. So that’s what I chose. All in. It has been an intense struggle for my life. Even though I know I’m free, occasionally under certain stresses, that “want to’ tries to creep back in but Jesus slams the door. All I say is “JESUS!” and He takes that desire away. I desire to be His more than I desire to self medicate. I desire freedom and to break generational curses more than I desire to leave a legacy of hidden addiction for my children to follow. It is so NOT easy. There is no possible way I can do this. But I belong to the One Who Can.
Enough about the sin though, now let me take the next 50 years and tell you about God. I’ll tell you about how even when you are alone you’re not alone. How your thoughts are not even yours. How he uses other people to bring messages of hope and speak life over you. How He puts a guard over your mouth and stations angels around you. How grace is the most un-explainable reality that can’t be seen or measured or touched but you know exactly its enormity, what it looks like and how it feels. I’ll bring up how I ran and He out ran me. How I stopped to fall and He was already there.
It’s still remarkable. It’s still overwhelming. I just thought you should know- I’m ready to write.